After I was lovingly accused of bringing several readers to tears on my last two posts, I had intended to lighten things up a bit for my next entry. Life, however, had other plans. Last week brought the passing of the beloved patriarch of our family, my grandfather. While he lived a good long life and saw the ripe old age of 92, it was still a heavy blow and our entire family is mourning our loss. Though I was presented with a situation I knew I had to face, I was still unprepared when it came time to explain to my four year old why she would no longer see her Grandpa. I was perhaps more unprepared than most.
I have touched briefly upon my views of the religion in which I raised in a previous posting. While at this time I have no desire to stir up a debate on why I no longer consider myself a Catholic and have become a self imposed black sheep of my family, it is in itself the essence of my current debacle. Raising my children without any ties to an organized religion makes the answer to “Where did Grandpa go?” so much more difficult to explain.
I sat Sofia down on the day he died and told her I wanted to speak with her about Grandpa. I reminded her of the fact that he had been sick for a long time. She had always thought that he appeared sad and once again stated as such. I went on to tell her that he went to a place where he could rest, where he would no longer be in pain and could be happy. I told her we would not see him anymore and while we would miss him, we can be happy for him because he is better now.
Of course, in her quest to understand she did ask for a better explanation of where he went, and I immediately stumbled upon my words. How deeply into a conversation surrounding death does one go with a four year old? If I were raising her Christian, I suppose the answers would be simple. I could tell her what she is supposed to believe without blinking an eye. I felt the tug to draw upon what I had been taught in my youth, and stopped short of using the word “Heaven”. That would have led to more questions, which would lead to more answers that even I haven’t decided upon yet. How can I explain this anymore if I, myself can’t process it? When we decided not to bring religion into our home, I did not consider times like these. I hold steadfast that we did the right thing for our family, for our situation. We’re doing our best to raise both of our children to be good people, encouraging strong family values from within. But faith is another matter. What they should believe regarding the path to their own spirituality, what I believe, and what my husband believes…I suppose that will all be shared in time. When they come of age I plan to encourage them as best I can to find their own paths. I think for now it’s the best I can do, the most I can offer while staying true to myself; but I’m always going to wonder if it’s enough.
I am very sorry to hear about your grandfather. My father passed away last month and as you said, we are never really prepared to lose someone we love. I also know that even as time heals the pain, we never truly get over the loss of an important person in our life.
Your post highlights an important issue that many parents face, especially when they have been searching for their own answers about religion as adults. I guess the important distinction to be made is that faith and organized religion can exist without the other. There are children’s books available that deal with death without leaning toward specific religions, which of course I do not have the name of at the moment.
Although this isn’t the best time, I wanted to let you know that I enjoy reading your blog. You always have insightful topics and leave me with something to think about. When you have the time, I’ve given you a Lovely Blog Award over at my humble little blog:
http://newenglandnanny.blogspot.com/2009/09/walking-red-carpet.html
I am very sorry to hear about your grandfather. My father passed away last month and as you said, we are never really prepared to lose someone we love. I also know that even as time heals the pain, we never truly get over the loss of an important person in our life.
Your post highlights an important issue that many parents face, especially when they have been searching for their own answers about religion as adults. I guess the important distinction to be made is that faith and organized religion can exist without the other. There are children’s books available that deal with death without leaning toward specific religions, which of course I do not have the name of at the moment.
Although this isn’t the best time, I wanted to let you know that I enjoy reading your blog. You always have insightful topics and leave me with something to think about. When you have the time, I’ve given you a Lovely Blog Award over at my humble little blog:
http://newenglandnanny.blogspot.com/2009/09/walking-red-carpet.html
I am sorry for the passing of your beloved Grandpa.
Never second guess yourself with regards to how you have handled the explanation to Sophia. Death is not easy even for someone who practices a certain religion.
I am sorry for the passing of your beloved Grandpa.
Never second guess yourself with regards to how you have handled the explanation to Sophia. Death is not easy even for someone who practices a certain religion.
Squinz, you did a great job in explaining Granpa’a passing to Sofia.I’m proud of you.
Squinz, you did a great job in explaining Granpa’a passing to Sofia.I’m proud of you.
Dee, I’m sorry to hear about your father, and thank you for your condolences. You do make an important point regarding faith versus organized religion. I do agree the two can be separate entities. I think for me, neither one comes easy.
Thank you for my lovely blog award! I do so enjoy yours as well. I will stop by soon.
Dee, I’m sorry to hear about your father, and thank you for your condolences. You do make an important point regarding faith versus organized religion. I do agree the two can be separate entities. I think for me, neither one comes easy.
Thank you for my lovely blog award! I do so enjoy yours as well. I will stop by soon.
Thank you Michelle. I appreciate your kind words, and of course for reading!
Thank you Michelle. I appreciate your kind words, and of course for reading!
Thank you Dad, that means a lot.
Thank you Dad, that means a lot.
I’m sorry about the loss of your grandfather. I can only imagine what you are feeling. My thoughts are with you.
My brother died the day after my daughter’s 4th birthday. I remembered a picture book I had purchased for a friend upon losing their family pet. It talked about how every living thing has a cycle where it is born and grows & then weakens & dies…..everything comes full circle. I thought it was a good book. I explained it to her like that. Now I know it leaves a lot of questions unanswered. But it worked fine for her then. I’ve let her ask questions as she grows and I’ve tried to answer them as honestly and as best I could at the time. Like you, I’m always wondering if it is enough.
I think you’ve handled things beautifully.
(We’ve had similar experiences with religion too. I grew up in a hell-fire-and-brimstone congregational holiness church. Every Sunday we were reminded about Satan and hell. I want my daughter to make her own decisions about religion and God.)
I’m sorry about the loss of your grandfather. I can only imagine what you are feeling. My thoughts are with you.
My brother died the day after my daughter’s 4th birthday. I remembered a picture book I had purchased for a friend upon losing their family pet. It talked about how every living thing has a cycle where it is born and grows & then weakens & dies…..everything comes full circle. I thought it was a good book. I explained it to her like that. Now I know it leaves a lot of questions unanswered. But it worked fine for her then. I’ve let her ask questions as she grows and I’ve tried to answer them as honestly and as best I could at the time. Like you, I’m always wondering if it is enough.
I think you’ve handled things beautifully.
(We’ve had similar experiences with religion too. I grew up in a hell-fire-and-brimstone congregational holiness church. Every Sunday we were reminded about Satan and hell. I want my daughter to make her own decisions about religion and God.)
Thank you Becca. I recall stories of your brother from your blog, and I am also so sorry for your loss. You’ve told some amazing stories from your childhood that have really stuck with me. I always look forward to your entries!
Thank you Becca. I recall stories of your brother from your blog, and I am also so sorry for your loss. You’ve told some amazing stories from your childhood that have really stuck with me. I always look forward to your entries!
Maria, I’m so sorry for the loss of your grandfather. There are no easy answers for young children, but somehow we all find the words for our children in our particular situations.
So far as the religion issue, welcome to my world! When the question has been posed, I tell people I’m faithful but not religious.
Maria, I’m so sorry for the loss of your grandfather. There are no easy answers for young children, but somehow we all find the words for our children in our particular situations.
So far as the religion issue, welcome to my world! When the question has been posed, I tell people I’m faithful but not religious.
It is so hard to find the words, and we do the best we can. I have just published a memoir
In Her Wake: A Child Psychiatrist Explores the Mystery of Her Mother’s Suicide (www.inherwake.com)
and my mother took a fatal overdose when I was four years old.
I have done a lot of thinking about how to talk with children about death.
Four years old, children think they are the center of their universe so one aspect is to reassure them that nothing they said or did caused someone they love to die. Also, at this age they are not able to comprehend the permanence of death and so being able to be very concrete about the practicality of death is useful, no matter what your religious orientation. So telling them that when X person dies their heart stops and they don’t breath is helpful.
I hope that I don’t make it seem that in the moment it can be a challenge to find words.
Sincerely, Nancy
It is so hard to find the words, and we do the best we can. I have just published a memoir
In Her Wake: A Child Psychiatrist Explores the Mystery of Her Mother’s Suicide (www.inherwake.com)
and my mother took a fatal overdose when I was four years old.
I have done a lot of thinking about how to talk with children about death.
Four years old, children think they are the center of their universe so one aspect is to reassure them that nothing they said or did caused someone they love to die. Also, at this age they are not able to comprehend the permanence of death and so being able to be very concrete about the practicality of death is useful, no matter what your religious orientation. So telling them that when X person dies their heart stops and they don’t breath is helpful.
I hope that I don’t make it seem that in the moment it can be a challenge to find words.
Sincerely, Nancy