Hi, my name is Sofia and I have been training my parents for over four years. Teaching my mom and dad is a lot of work, but I have also learned tons of good stuff along the way. I feel there are many children who could benefit from my wisdom. I am here today to share some of this knowledge with kids who are in desperate need of my assistance. By following my three simple steps, you too can become the King or Queen of your castle!
Step 1: It wasn’t me.
My dad mentioned some story that I didn’t pay much attention to about a tree and some woods, but that’s not important right now. The most important thing you can remember is if they didn’t see you do it, you can blame your brother. Proceed with caution! When using this important skill to get out of unrolling toilet paper all over the bathroom floor or dropping a bowl of Cheerios on the rug, be sure the intended offender is not within your parental unit’s direct line of sight. If there is reasonable doubt you should succeed, however, if your brother is having his diaper changed at the time of the offense your plan could severely backfire.
Step 2: I am right, and you are wrong.
Adults will try and correct you from time to time. They will try and tell you some silly nonsense such as the sky is blue not green, or fire is hot not cold. I just laugh and tell them, “I am right and you are wrong.” They may try to further explain their incredibly wrong ideas and claim to have greater knowledge power just because they are older. I find that if you stick to your point and just keep telling them over and over that they are wrong, they will eventually get frustrated and drop the subject. This will leave you with one last opportunity to say, “See, I told you I was right.”
Step 3: I WAS right, and you WERE wrong.
Parents mess up A LOT. It is important to remind them when they make mistakes as often as possible. That way they will remember not to do it again in the future. I make sure I remind my mom all the time about when she forgot to send my hat and gloves to school leaving me cold on the playground. I also mention that time she forgot to send my baby pictures to school and I was the only one who did not have them for show and tell. This past week I have made a point to remind her whenever possible of that time last weekend when I said my tummy hurt in the middle of the night; she didn’t believe me and an hour later I threw up all over my bed. I TOLD HER my tummy hurt. That’s why I threw up. I was right, and she was wrong.
Another good tip: make sure you remind your brother of when your parents were wrong. He needs to know about these things too. My favorite time of day to remind him is in the morning in his bedroom when everyone else is still in bed. That way Mom and Dad can hear over the monitor as well, and be reminded all about when they were wrong. I hear this is called multi-tasking, and I am great at it.
Remember, practice makes perfect! Try working on your skills in front of the mirror. I find it very motivational. Join me next time when we discuss complex ways of framing your brother and effective methods for stalling at bedtime to help you stay up late. This is Sofia, I am four years old and I am Queen of my castle.