Do you ever feel as though you are stifled and need so fervently to move forward, but at the same time you are petrified beyond reason to take a solitary step? That is how I have been acting lately with so many aspects of my life.
I can’t catch my breath from standing still.
I want so desperately for a new career, something where I am not stuck inside the walls of my own home or traveling so far that I pull into the driveway just in time to put the kids to bed each night. Yet I cower at the thought of making any phone calls that would result in my life entering the unknown.
I want so badly to live just a bit healthier and to lose those few pounds, or even just to rekindle my will to prioritize the time to be more active each day. Yet my couch cushion had sunken so deep I had to move over a spot.
I have so many projects spinning around in my head that I want to accomplish; little home improvements that I could easily work on at night after the kids go to bed. Yet instead I collapse in front of the TV and the computer in an exhausted attempt to zone out the stressors of the day.
I lay wide awake at night trying to find sleep. Though I know it must have come, when the alarm sounds and I reach the conclusion that I have to repeat the day before all over again? It sure doesn’t feel like it.
I want so painfully to get through the current phase of my children’s lives, where the concept of sharing is no longer amiss, where I am no longer the arbitrator of a hundred daily arguments, where their first instinct is no longer to do the exact opposite of what I ask, or for good measure where the ability to get through one day where no one raises their voice is miraculously present.
Despite how often people scold me with the wisdom of the ages that I should cherish every single moment I have with them, I want so much for my preschoolers to grow out of this stage. Yet I waited as long as possible to bottle wean my youngest, and I tear up at thought of taking down the crib.
I need a reset button. I need an easy button. I need more than anything to truly to feel as though each day of my life is not something that I need to get through. And that’s just not for my sake, but for everyone around me.
Change, movement, direction, courage, motivation, stamina, where am I?