Do you ever feel as though you are stifled and need so fervently to move forward, but at the same time you are petrified beyond reason to take a solitary step? That is how I have been acting lately with so many aspects of my life.
I can’t catch my breath from standing still.
I want so desperately for a new career, something where I am not stuck inside the walls of my own home or traveling so far that I pull into the driveway just in time to put the kids to bed each night. Yet I cower at the thought of making any phone calls that would result in my life entering the unknown.
I want so badly to live just a bit healthier and to lose those few pounds, or even just to rekindle my will to prioritize the time to be more active each day. Yet my couch cushion had sunken so deep I had to move over a spot.
I have so many projects spinning around in my head that I want to accomplish; little home improvements that I could easily work on at night after the kids go to bed. Yet instead I collapse in front of the TV and the computer in an exhausted attempt to zone out the stressors of the day.
I lay wide awake at night trying to find sleep. Though I know it must have come, when the alarm sounds and I reach the conclusion that I have to repeat the day before all over again? It sure doesn’t feel like it.
I want so painfully to get through the current phase of my children’s lives, where the concept of sharing is no longer amiss, where I am no longer the arbitrator of a hundred daily arguments, where their first instinct is no longer to do the exact opposite of what I ask, or for good measure where the ability to get through one day where no one raises their voice is miraculously present.
Despite how often people scold me with the wisdom of the ages that I should cherish every single moment I have with them, I want so much for my preschoolers to grow out of this stage. Yet I waited as long as possible to bottle wean my youngest, and I tear up at thought of taking down the crib.
I need a reset button. I need an easy button. I need more than anything to truly to feel as though each day of my life is not something that I need to get through. And that’s just not for my sake, but for everyone around me.
Change, movement, direction, courage, motivation, stamina, where am I?
ditto ditto ditto. I think many moms know exactly how u feel – i know i do.
If you find that reset button, please, please let me know. If I find it you’ll be the first to know!
Oh the rat race, day in and day out! I know the feeling all too well!! I am learning the key is balance. Enforcing the rules I now are the most relevant. Getting a couple of household extras done in a week, not in a day. Ordering pizza every so often and on those nights enjoying the stress free time around dinner. The other key is to be organized and live a week or at least a few days ahead of life.
Believe me I know your pain and sympathize. Find small steps to happiness each day and the bigger ones will fall into place a little easier.
Oh and the wine…
Thank you. Just knowing that there are other moms out there who understand is so helpful.
You’ve got a deal! GREAT name, by the way!
Ah, organization. It seems like that is one bit of life I find a constant challenge. Still, I am learning along the way. Did I ever mention that the fist time I ever took Sofia out of the house I forgot her diaper bag? Yeah. Organization when it comes to the kids has always been an uphill battle.
Maria, you have written everything I feel…somedays I can’t remember how I even got here?! I always been an organized career woman then came the huband & children….now some how my organization & motivation has taken left my brain….having it all is hard….harder than I anticipated. Not sure how my mother did with such grace and even temperment. Bottom line you are not alone but I am going to try baby steps to get back on track.
Hey Maria, I read your blog and have been doing a lot of thinking. I ask you to go back and read your blog entry on the Fourth of July regarding your wonderful day at the beach. I think the trick is figuring out how to work “joy” into your regular schedules. I know it isn’t easy but finding a way to do something truly fun that involves the kids at least once a week would really make a difference for all of you. I find getting the kids out of the house dramatically reduces the squabbling!
These things don’t have to cost a lot of money. A simple walk in the woods on a beautiful fall day can be so uplifting and bonding for a family. I wish you lots of luck in finding your happy place with the family. I do think it is definitely worth the effort. You could be so happy rather than just getting through each day. I love you!
Oh, I can relate. What do you mean take down the crib? Didn’t I just set it up?
The days are long…*so long*…but the years are short and seem to fly by.
*hugs* to you…
Thank you Aileen. It is a lot like baby steps, isn’t it.
Thank you Erin, you are a great friend. I did look back at my beach posting. It is a lot easier to take joy in vacation summer days, but it was good to remember that we do at least have great days like that. We try to get out and do something nice on weekends, even if it’s just bike rides around the neighborhood. Unfortunately the work week simply doesn’t allow for that level of quality time. I think for me this issue is not to be cured with a nice Saturday with the family. Monday and the week ahead are what keep me up at night.
Thank you Margaret. I hope you are doing well, my friend.
This is a such a well-written post. I totally understand that fear of wanting something different yet afraid to do it because of the unknown. So it becomes easier to just do nothing.
But Maria, you can do it. You are not alone and your bloggie friends will cheer you on!!
Erin, you summed it up perfectly. Thank you so much for your encouragement. I truly love our blogging community and the friends I have made here!