But my conscience was weighing on me, and what followed were tears of sorrow.

No, not for the man, as if I would ever call him that. I have no sympathy for this loss of life, but I truly do worry that I should. Regardless of the pain and suffering and death this wretched person inflicted upon countless numbers of innocent people, watching the celebration of his passing on television felt wrong. It reminded me of so many other public demonstrations we have seen on the news, except those demonstrations usually involved the burning of an American flag. These images of our jubilation have been shown all over the world. In celebrating death, have we made ourselves any better than those who would burn us in effigy?

In my heart I am relieved that the best known face of this threat is no more, but we have to know that this is by all means not over. It is a never ending cycle. It is one victory for ‘our side’ in a war that has no end; a war that was waging long before 9/11. We won this round. They will win again too.

I also believe that regardless of whether or how we celebrate the death of bin Laden, his disciples will rise to fight another day. Someone else will step up, and I know that our men and women in uniform will gallantly stand and fight to protect us. For that they have my utmost respect and unwavering thanks. I just wish we could find a way to truly end it; to reach a point where they would no longer need to do so.

I do not deny that I am glad that bin Laden is dead, but I also feel guilty for it because regardless of all his harmful ways, in my heart I do not believe that the death of another, no matter how evil that life was lived, is one that should be cause for celebration.

I also know it is human nature to want justice and seek revenge and oh, how I have felt it. For 10 long years and mostly out of fear, I have certainly wished him dead. He gave us no choice and I for one will sleep better at night knowing he is no longer out there plotting our destruction.

I wish for peace, but in the absence of it I will take security. It came down to us or him, and in my opinion he was the one who had to go. After all, before his demise he made it quite clear he felt the same way about us. Still, my heart and my brain are telling me this is not a time for smiles, fist pumps, and high fives; it is a time for vigilance.

With that mind, may God Bless America.

I have touched briefly upon my views of the religion in which I raised in a previous posting.  While at this time I have no desire to stir up a debate on why I no longer consider myself a Catholic and have become a self imposed black sheep of my family, it is in itself the essence of my current debacle.  Raising my children without any ties to an organized religion makes the answer to “Where did Grandpa go?” so much more difficult to explain.

I sat Sofia down on the day he died and told her I wanted to speak with her about Grandpa.  I reminded her of the fact that he had been sick for a long time.  She had always thought that he appeared sad and once again stated as such.  I went on to tell her that he went to a place where he could rest, where he would no longer be in pain and could be happy.  I told her we would not see him anymore and while we would miss him, we can be happy for him because he is better now. 

Of course, in her quest to understand she did ask for a better explanation of where he went, and I immediately stumbled upon my words.  How deeply into a conversation surrounding death does one go with a four year old?  If I were raising her Christian, I suppose the answers would be simple.  I could tell her what she is supposed to believe without blinking an eye.  I felt the tug to draw upon what I had been taught in my youth, and stopped short of using the word “Heaven”.  That would have led to more questions, which would lead to more answers that even I haven’t decided upon yet.  How can I explain this anymore if I, myself can’t process it?  When we decided not to bring religion into our home, I did not consider times like these.  I hold steadfast that we did the right thing for our family, for our situation.  We’re doing our best to raise both of our children to be good people, encouraging strong family values from within.  But faith is another matter.  What they should believe regarding the path to their own spirituality, what I believe, and what my husband believes…I suppose that will all be shared in time.  When they come of age I plan to encourage them as best I can to find their own paths.  I think for now it’s the best I can do, the most I can offer while staying true to myself; but I’m always going to wonder if it’s enough.